Things I've learned from pregnancy.

Part one.
When I say I'm hungry, I mean right now...not 10 minutes from now, or it's time to start dinner now, I mean NOW. Yes I realize I went from 'I'm fine' to a savagely starving crazy person in .2 seconds, I can't control it ok? And yes it's completely necessary for me to lay on the floor until you find me something to eat within the next 10 seconds. I'm too tired to look for anything, and don't come near me without food in your hand or I might bite it off. Yelling might be involved if you don't move quickly enough. Just bring on the food.

I've begun to believe that dry heaving is a way of life. Hunger comes like a ravaging wild animal. I'm hungry all. the. time. But, there comes a point where I am so hungry I could gnaw on my own hand. And if I don't succumb to the evil monster's demand for something in my stomach, on comes the dry heaving {which isn't dry for very long}. Then begins the all too familiar wave of saliva that continuously runs in my mouth, prepping me for the all fabulous purging. This my friends, is torture. I dread those few moments while I'm running to the bathroom, fully knowing what lies ahead. Lovely.

If you've never experienced pregnancy, probably not a good idea to shell out voluntary opinions or advice on mine. I don't care how much first hand knowledge you've learned from living vicariously through your sister or your best friend or your aunts pregnancy, or what you learned in grad school or read in a book...you still don't know. Every pregnancy and experience is different, so all that generalized information you read in a textbook spewing from your mouth? Yeah, it doesn't apply to me. Keep it inside until you've been where I've been and then MAYBE, just maybe you can relate to my experience, otherwise you just look like an idiot telling a pregnant person what to expect. Mooooving on...

Don't make me make decisions, I beg of you. I wasn't good at it before, what makes you think I would be now? No I don't care where we eat, just get me there and make sure there's a bathroom close by. No I don't care what movie we watch, just pick it out so I don't have to stand in front of redbox and scroll through every last title and listen to the guy behind me clear his throat 5 times while I tear up because I just can't choose which movie we should watch and he is getting antsy. No I don't care that we are going out and I look like I'm a homeless person with a beer belly, let's just go so we can get back home and I can resume my laziness on the couch.

Pregnancy has the tendency to make you a crazy person. Don't give me the side eye or I'll throw my shoe at you.